Friday, September 30, 2011


This has been a busy week. I picked up three new writing jobs and subbed in Kindergarten almost every day. I'm actually writing this before I run out of the house to help the little muffins learn their letters. And it's early. Really early in the morning. So without further ado:

1. I've noticed that I always surround myself with Type A people. The people that "get things done." Why? I am not one of these people. Do I think they'll inspire me? Do I think they need someone around to calm them down? Do opposites really attract?

2. I've started wearing dresses every day. Honestly, it is easier to only have one piece of clothing to throw on. No needing to match a shirt to pants. Deciding what to wear every morning is super easy. But also, I hate all my jeans right now. I'm fatter than I've ever been (besides when I was pregnant, and they have special jeans for that), and jeans are just uncomfortable. Plus they don't look quite as hot.

3. There were these cats in my backyard the other day. I'd never seen them before but they seemed perfectly comfortable. I tried to hiss at them to scare them away...but apparently cats don't fear me. And then I had to run back into the house because this mean looking one started walking towards me and I got scared. So, I guess they'll just own my backyard now.

4. The phone finally rang yesterday. It was the exact opposite of the answer we wanted. We are disappointed but trying to be philosophical about it.

5. I just bought a new printer. I'm pretty excited about it. I can plug my camera and my phone right into it without having to go through the computer. I'm technologically right up to date now.

Anyway, I better go make a new mix tape for my Walkman.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Like a Dateless Teenager from 1950

I'm waiting for the phone to ring. I've been waiting for much of the day. I've been waiting so hard that I actually tried to prompt it to ring by having a shower. That didn't work.

Then I took some pictures of my beautiful tree in my front yard. It's the time of year where it's not green, or yellow, or orange, or red, but all four and it's gorgeous. After I drop the boys off at school every morning, I stop the car in the middle of the road just to stare at it. I do this every day. I wonder what the new neighbours think when I stop in front of their house every day.

Please enjoy some traditional Japanese poetry:

The phone will not ring
WAIT! Did I just hear something
No. I'm going nuts


Monday, September 26, 2011


I missed my Friday Fives. Oh well, there's always next Friday.

As I'm sure you're all aware, just when you settle down into a nice little calm and relaxing life *BOOM*

Seriously, I was getting bored. I was starting to nap in the afternoons. One day I actually crawled back into bed after the boys left for school. Like, unmade my bed and crawled right back in. Then suddenly:

1. I am dealing with some kid stuff which I will tell you about another time if it all works out the way I'm hoping that it will.

2. I will be working as a Teacher's Aid most of this week and possibly most of next.

3. I am doing a favour for a friend and editing three papers she has written for school.

4. I am rewriting a whole bunch of marketing material for a mid-size business.

Add in school stuff, football stuff, basketball started...

And that is my excuse for missing Friday.

Also, here is a picture of Twin A. I know it looks like those 3 silver-helmeted guys are in the midst of tackling him to the ground, but what's actually happening is that he's pulling them along with him. That kid works hard to be the amazing person he is.

Update: After writing this I got an email from my editor. I now have a twice monthly assignment for him to do too. I may need an umbrella soon.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Three Wishes

If I had three wishes and could only use them on myself (because otherwise I'd totally waste them on the boys) and they had to be totally shallow and fun and couldn't be a cliche (money, different body, vacation, house, vehicle, dream job) what would they be?

1. I would wish for the magical power of being transported to anywhere without having to drive there. Like for instance, I'm out of this black raspberry vanilla triple moisture body cream from Bath & Body Works that Malison gave me for my birthday. I really, really like it and want some more. But I really, really don't want to drive to Bath & Body Works to get it. If I had this magical power: *POOF* I'd be back by now.

2. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and could still maintain a healthy body. Some days I would eat chocolate and candy and ice cream and some days I would eat nothing at all...kind of like I do now. The important part of this wish is the "maintain a healthy body" part obviously. Oh, how I would love to be getting away with this rather than spending hours a day planning when to start the diet.

3. And my third and final wish would be: the ability to draw. Drawing is hard. I can never get down on paper what I'm picturing in my head. I used to work at a Greek restaurant. One day, the other waiter and I were bored. We decided to have a drawing contest (which was dumb because he's actually an artist). I drew a castle with a princess hanging out the window and a dragon (which may not have looked exactly like a dragon) flying around. He And it took 3 minutes and it looked exactly like me. He told me my drawing was *pause* whimsical. That was his nice way of saying "stick with waitressing."

What would your three wishes be?


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The First Time I Heard My Mother Swear

My dad does not swear. He says things like "Potlicker!" or "Son of a gun!" Growing up, even saying "God" (replaced with Gosh), "Hell" (replaced with Heck), or "Damn" (replaced with Darn even if you were talking about Hoover's) could get you a disapproving look and sent to your room.

When I was in grade four, my mom picked up my brother and I at lunch one day. The plan was to have a quick lunch and buy some new runners. We got to the mall and hopped out of the car. My mom slammed my door and her and my brother started walking away. A blood-curdling scream stopped them in their tracks; my mom had slammed my thumb in the car door. She ran back, digging the keys out of her purse (this was long before you could press a button to unlock the doors), and fumbling to get the front door open so she could reach around and pull up the lock on the back door. She said "Damn." I stopped screaming and looked up at her like, "who the hell are you?" I was absolutely flabbergasted!

And then we skipped the whole shoe thing, went to the doctor, I got one of those nifty silver finger straighteners attached to my thumb, and then I got to spend the rest of the day playing with little kids at the playschool my mom owned.

To sum up: my mom said a bad word, I got a "cast," and I got to play with play dough instead of do math. All in all, a pretty fantastic day.


Friday, September 16, 2011

It's Friday

Two weeks in a row! This is getting to be a habit. Soon y'all will start expecting stuff from me. I apologize in advance for disappointing you in the future. But for now, my Friday Five...

1. Last weekend, we had basketball tryouts on Saturday night for a couple of hours. I sat and watched. Then we had a football game on Sunday afternoon for a few hours which I also sat and watched. And to complete the weekend, more basketball tryouts on Sunday night, which (say it with me) I sat and watched. The boys were tired and sore. We use a product called Japanese Mint Oil. It works like any other topical sore-muscle reliever except you get it at the health food store. My house has smelled minty for most of the week. I actually considered putting it on my bum from the soreness of sitting on uncomfortable bleachers for hours and hours.

2. I go out for lunch by myself a lot. Usually to the same places where I order the same things. As a former waitress I know that when you have a regular customer and don't know that person's name, you tend to call them by what they order. That means that certain people call me the Bento-B-no-wasabi-lady or chicken-and-shrimp-no-veg or Cashew-Nut-Gai-Ding. If I was a friendlier person, I'd introduce myself. The unfortunate part of all of this is, of course, that if there is someone new taking my order, I will often forget what it is that I have. And then I end up with wasabi or vegetables and that just wrecks my whole entire meal.

3. There's this weird phenomenon that happens when you're a single woman. Many of your friends think you should date every single man they come across. Do I appear to be desperate? That guy you just pointed out weighs approximately 400 pounds, and has two fat kids (leading me to believe that the entire family has a lot of unhealthy habits). That other guy smokes and rides a motorbike. Yet another is looking for a Christian girl. I'm good. I'll find the perfect man when I'm ready, and please continue to keep looking for me, but remember I have standards and deal-breakers. I won't settle just because he's single.

4. I have become addicted to Storage Wars. It's fascinating to watch people turn garbage into profit. I watched one guy the other day bid on a locker because he saw a bag of jeans. Apparently, old Levis are quite sought after. He made a 600 dollar profit.

5. My favourite animal is the giraffe. I'm really not an animal person; I can't see me ever having a pet. We bought fish once. We had a fish tank that looked like a big bubblegum dispenser. It was really cute, but the fish were making it dirty and smelly. I may have cleaned it a little too well and not one of the four fish lived through the day. They were replaced with glass fish. Dogs, cats, rodents, turtles, birds, and any other pet-like creatures require far too much work and attention (plus they smell and I already own two sweaty teenagers). Giraffes are just interesting to look at.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


I'm being punished. For the last few days, I haven't called loudly enough to wake up Twin B. Let me explain:

I set my alarm for seven every morning. When the alarm goes off, I say Twin A's name. He gets up and has a shower. At 7:30, I say Twin B's name (all from the comfort of my bed). Up until this week, he also gets up and gets ready for school.

This week, for some strange reason, I am purposely talking quieter and not waking up Twin B (and plus, how is he even supposed to hear me with all the noise Twin A is making shuffling around). And he is punishing me by staying in bed, even though he's awake. I foolishly suggested that instead of blaming me for "not calling loudly enough" he could perhaps take some responsibility and set an alarm. His response to my solution was a little over the top; you'd think I suggested sticking burning needles in his eyes.

I'm not really sure what to do about this or how this is even my responsibility, but short of pouring cold water over him every morning...

It's possible that this alarm problem he's having is not really the problem that's bothering him. It has always been easier for him to have me feel his feelings for him and his way of doing that is to piss me off. Then when I totally lose my shit he doesn't have to. Unfortunately, I fall for it more often than not. I see it coming; knowing it's going to happen won't make any difference; I just don't know how to stop it.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Past Jobs

I love my job right now. Part writing, part editing, part teacher assisting, part being a mom. Every day looks different. For the most part I have no set schedule. It's truly wonderful. In the past, I've had a few jobs that didn't work out quite so well:

1. My first job was at Bonanza. I was 15 and a lot of my friends worked there. I worked my way up from hostess and drink pourer, to order taker and food runner, and finally, cashier. Cashier was the most prestigious job there; it was seriously like being head cheerleader. And then, like many other teenagers with first jobs, I decided I didn't want to work there anymore, made up a reason to be mad, screamed obscenities at the manager, walked out, and never went back.

2. Next I worked at a fabric store. My job title was Fabric Cutter. If there was nobody in the store that needed fabric to be cut, then our jobs were to clean and dust and organize. Unfortunately, my OCD got the best of me and I was mostly found in the pattern section, filing and dusting, and trying to organize. So much so that I was never around to cut fabric. I didn't exactly get fired but my name stopped showing up on the schedule.

3. I've been a waitress in a lot of different places. It was always my favourite job. I worked at Pizza Hut for awhile and though I couldn't be a waitress there (as they served alcohol so you had to be at least 18), my job was to help the waitresses take out food. There, I made a huge mistake. It always bothered me that the dishwashers were so disorganized so occasionally I'd help them to catch up. I ended up being put on the schedule as a dishwasher because I was so efficient. I quit.

4. I was a receptionist once for a furniture manufacturer. I had the best desk! Behind the office was a metal shop and a wood shop. Many of the workers in the shops were from...far away. And had names that were hard to pronounce. I dreaded when they got phone calls and I'd have to page them. One day, the general manager quit. A few weeks later I noticed that they hadn't replaced him. I quickly got another job and a month later the furniture manufacturing company went out of business.

5. When I was pregnant I had a couple of part-time jobs. One of them was at a lottery booth. It was easy and if there was down time I was allowed to read my book. The problem was that every time I left the booth I had to spend a good five minutes locking things away. And I was pregnant. I had to leave that booth every 15 minutes because there were some people pressing on my bladder.

Sadly, I could probably write about this for another couple of hours. I've never been the kind of person who could keep the same job for longer than two or three years. Luckily, I've never had to.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Photo Post

Here is a photo of Twin B scoring his very first touchdown ever. I was so proud that I was almost crying. His brother was first on the field to congratulate and hug him. Twin B, though, was all "whatever, no biggie"...until we got in the car where none of his teammates could hear him. Then there was some excessive celebration.

It's really no secret that I love to craft. And I love finding new stuff to make. I have a collection of pocket mirrors that I've made (and sell if anyone's interested). And to make them even cuter and more gift-like, I've found a way to present them. I've been making little boxes out of paint chips. How cute is that?!

Last week I mentioned that the BFF and I had painted some ceramics. She painted a garden gnome for Honey as a gag gift, which he will love (pssst...nobody tell him). She did a surprisingly good job considering how she just rushed right through it like there was a big shoe sale she had to get to or something. That's my little creamer in the back. And while there is considerably less detail than the gnome, it took about twice as long to paint.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Frivolous Friday Fives

You all know how I love random posts. It saves me from having to put together a coherent thought and I really like that a lot. So, starting now, and assuming I can keep up the posting more often thing that I've been doing this week, Friday will be random day.

1. Last week I went to BFF's house. I was on the way out of her city and stopped at an intersection to let someone cross the road. This guy was on a unicycle. I waited for the rest of the parade but they were nowhere to be seen.

2. At Easter last year, I got a dance program for my Wii. We played it once and it was fun but we've never looked at it again. I've decided to start dancing every day. So far, it's been one day. So far, so good.

3. Last year, the twins had to pick options for the upcoming year. Twin A chose to take art, but there is a different teacher this year and he is awful. Twin A tried to switch out of the class but all of his attempts were foiled. I philosophically told him that perhaps he was meant to be in this art class so he could find a hidden talent. He replied that he had a talent for abstract art. HAHAHA! Who doesn't?!

4. Sometimes when I'm really bored during the day, I'll turn on the tv. I don't usually watch tv during the day because there is nothing on. I'm not interested in soap operas or finding out which of the seven possible dads is the real father of the teenage slut's baby. But if I'm going to watch tv during the day, you can bet it's on a kid's channel. Now that the boys are a little older they don't watch Hannah Montana or The Wizards of Waverly Place or Zach and Cody's Suite Life on Deck and, frankly, I'm quite curious as to what has happened in our absence.

5. I have finally finished filling out all of the forms that are required to be filled out when someone dies. Hopefully once I send these away, it will be the last I see of them. Thanks Malison's boyfriend; your business-abled mind was a life saver.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Friday Night Lights

It's that time again.

First game of the season.
Start time: 9pm
Weather: Surprisingly beautiful
Number of blankets worn anyway: 2
Number of teenage girls to show up wearing nothing but short shorts and tank tops: countless
Number of football player's mothers outwardly shaking their heads and looking disgusted while conveniently forgetting that they used to be teenage girls and do the same damn thing: also countless
Final score: 53-0
Highlights: Twin A got a touchdown (two actually, but one was called back).

It's going to be a good year!

I love how this photo looks like it was painted; the dark night and bright lights did something wonky to all of our cameras.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Happy Number-with-a-zero-at-the-end

I stopped by BFF's house the other day and sure, by "stopped by," I mean I drove three hours for a 5 hour visit, slept over, then drove three hours in the other direction. Totally worth it! It was her birthday and I wasn't going to miss that for the world.

Unfortunately, the hard-working Honey was unable to attend our little party though I know he would have been there if he could've been. But a girls' night was really a great way to celebrate.

Our visit began with cake. Of course it began with cake. There is really no other way to begin a visit. And then we did something we've never done before. We painted ceramics. It was fun. Here's what we learned: some people are goal oriented and some are process oriented. That is to say that some people focus more on doing the task while others focus more on what the end product will look like and want to make everything perfect because that's the way it should be and if everyone did that wouldn't the world be pretty and just because it takes longer to do that doesn't mean you should get all impatient and leave the building to do other things instead of waiting for perfection to be achieved even if it does take a tiny bit longer. Yep. We learned that.

And then we went for dinner.

Happy birthday BFF! I am thrilled that I get to be part of your life and if you were here I'd probably even hug you...