Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fodder, Marks, Orange Peels and Trust Issues

Sometimes I don't post for a long time because I have too much going on in my "real" life that I just can't share with the internet and sometimes I don't post for a long time because I only have snippets of things to share but not one coherent thought. This is really a mixture of the two. So help yourself to some snippets of thoughts:

1. The other day, I was at my local Edo (my second favourite lunch-alone place), and I looked up from my book to see a young man that I often see walking down my street. The boys and I notice this kid because he always seems to be on our street and he reminds us of an older version of another kid we know, only, like, gay. And we don't really care that he's gay (if in fact he is because none of us have ever actually talked to him or seen him with anyone else so we don't really know). Anyway, this kid had a laptop on his table and he seemed to be reading and writing something and I started to wonder, "Am I blog fodder?" Is that kid writing about this strange woman with the two teenage boys on his blog? And what exactly is he writing about me anyway. It might not even be flattering. Well, so what if it isn't. I just outed him to the whole internet. Mwah-ha-ha-ha. I totally win. Suck it older, gay version of that other kid we know.

2. School's over for the year. The boys did good. I sometimes think I'm too hard on them because I demand that they get good, honour roll-type marks. But I'm not demanding something they can't achieve. I believe in my kids; I believe that they are smart and athletic and funny and wonderful, so why shouldn't I expect them to be all those things. They can never say that I didn't believe they could achieve greatness.

3. School's over for the year. I just cleaned my house yesterday. Already there are pots left on the stove, crumbs on the cutting board, and popcorn on the carpet. I never want to be one of those mothers that complain about cleaning up after their families. I don't want to whine about how everyone else makes a mess but doesn't clean it up. I always try to remember that just because I need for everything to be in its place doesn't mean that everyone else does, and the last thing I want to do is pass one more tiny bit of OCD down to my children, so I try to stay patient and calm and not notice that he's walked around that basket on the stairs three different times but has yet to take it down the stairs to the laundry room, and I try not to mind that the orange peel has been sitting there for a couple of hours, because I know that if I ask them to do stuff, they totally will, it's just that they...didn't notice.

4. Awhile ago I wrote an article for a magazine. I had to call a source who happens to also be a doctor and when I finished the ROUGH copy of the article I sent it to her to make sure the information was correct. She sent it back marked. I mean, she didn't give me a grade or anything but she changed wording, punctuation, grammar. It was ridiculous. But that's ok because, really, I never have to talk to her again. Fast forward to today, I just got a new assignment. Guess who my source is? Here's the thing: she doesn't think I'm a good writer (obviously) so how can she trust me to write the story and why would she give me the information I want if I'm just going to mess it up? Do I mention last time or do I pretend I'm someone totally different? I have an hour to figure it out. This'll be fun.

That's all. That's all I have to say.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Expert in Love

A friend of mine is wanting to introduce me to this guy she knows. I'm not sure why she thought I'd be a good match as we haven't really talked much in the last 20 years except for quick updates when we see each other at swimming lessons or baseball games, but regardless of the fact that she doesn't really know me as an adult at all, she wants to introduce me to her friend.

Luckily, I have spend the last few weeks watching a steady stream of chick flicks, so I feel I am now an expert in dating and love. I know how to deal with any situation that comes along.

I am prepared!

1. If I should suddenly find myself overwhelmed with my job that I get to wear cute suits and fabulous shoes to every day than I will just trade houses with a girl from England. And when I'm in England I will fall madly in love and we'll live happily ever after. I'll, obviously, be willing to give up everything I am and everything I know because he will be all I need and he won't even find me to be horribly clingy and needy while I make him my whole entire reason for being.

2. If I'm ever required to go to a family member's wedding, I will hire an escort for $6000 so that my family will know that I'm taken care of. Seriously, how could they even survive to take their next breaths if they thought for one second that I didn't have a man to take care of me. Without question, I will fall for this man and we will live happily ever after. Especially when we get back home and he quits his job and has to live off me, because really what else is he going to do and it's not like his resume is really something that employers are thrilled to see, what with the prostitution thing and all.

3. If I find myself in Vegas freshly single and somewhat unhappy about it, I will find myself a charming yet immature man and marry him. Then, when he wins three million dollars I will try to take half because, obviously, I deserve at least that much for being his wife for the last 12 hours. The judge will no doubt make us live together for six months and see a marriage counsellor, because judges have a lot of time on their hands and care about every single person that comes through their courtroom. Don't worry, I will fall in love with my husband even though he lives in a hovel, has just been fired from his job at his family's business, and has made no effort to grow up and be responsible in any way (don't forget the 3 mil that I'm sure he will invest wisely).

4. If I find myself in the position of having a best friend that is a total playboy and treats women like crap, I will go away oversees, meet a member of royalty, fall for him and agree to marry him. Then when my best friend decides that, actually, he is also in love with me, I will ditch the Duke (even though he is the PERFECT man) and fall in love with the playboy who's proven without a doubt in the last four days that he can treat women with respect. We will live happily ever after.

5. And finally, if ever I do meet my perfect mate, a man I took my time getting to know and falling in love with and we decide to get married, I will let my mother talk us into hiring a crazy-ass priest to give us marriage lessons because priests are experts in marriage. And when the priest makes me drive blindfolded with only my beloved to guide me with his gentle words I won't question it for a second. But when my fiance does question the priest's methods I will become irrationally angry and cancel the wedding. Sure, eventually we'll live happily ever after, but there'll always be that trust issue...thankfully, not being Catholic, I hardly ever meet crazy-ass priests so it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Bring it on Friend-that-I-haven't-seen-much-of-in-the-last-20-years. I'm ready!