Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Parent/Child Relationship

Twin A: We need to talk.
Me: Do we?
Twin A: They found Marijuana in my locker.
Me: Who did? And why?
Twin A: [Friend] stole my phone. He says he loves you and you are a beautiful lady.
Me: Cause if they really found pot in your locker, I'd be hearing about it from you over text messages. Sheesh. What am I? Some kind of person who believes stuff?


Twin A: I'm going to be late getting home because we're going on a magical adventure.
Me: Hopefully not involving the marijuana they found in your locker.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday, telling her about how Twin B has been getting up early, showering, having breakfast, then coming into my room and saying "Time to get up, Little One," which is what I always say to him to wake him up. She mentioned that I have a nice relationship with my boys and we set to pondering about why that was. Is it because they don't have a dad? Is it because I got lucky and managed to have nice kids? Is it because when one of us starts to take life too seriously, there are two other family members there to remind that person that life is going to happen whatever your attitude about it might be so you might as well relax?

I just joined twitter today. My first tweet: I think I've made a mistake. I joined twitter with nothing to say.


Monday, May 28, 2012

New Neighbours

I got new neighbours last September. X used to be in charge of getting to know all the neighbours and making me look like a friendly person. He moved out 11 years ago, so anyone who has moved into the neighbourhood in the last 11 years is not someone I've met.

Anyway, I am an awesome neighbour. I'll gather your mail while you're away and even mow your lawn if it's for a long time. I share a driveway and if those neighbours need to use my driveway to drive around another car in theirs, I don't even care, even if it's in winter and you pack down the snow and make it harder to shovel.

But these new neighbours are getting on my nerves. I'm sure they're lovely people but they currently have 3 kids, 3 dogs, 3 puppies, and 2 cats. The kids are little and loud, the cats are constantly trying to get in my house and the dogs have now figured out a way to get into my yard. And I know this is not a popular opinion but I don't really like animals. And these dogs are ugly and big, and if I'm being totally honest, kinda scary.

One day we looked out the window to see the dad sitting in a lazy boy in his back yard, drinking a beer with all the animals and three small shirtless children running around him. From then on, we've called them our "Redneck Neighbours."

I was sitting outside yesterday, flipping through a magazine, when one of the dogs climbed the fence into my yard. And then started barking at me. I texted my mom to let her know that for my birthday this year, I'd like a new fence...preferably an electric one with barbed wire on top. She thought I was kidding.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

May Long

May Long Weekend is one of my favourite times of the year. Every year for the past 10 years, I have spent the weekend in a mountain town with BFF. We eat and sleep and shop. And though our weekend looks very different than it did 10 years ago, we still manage to have the BEST TIME EVER!

This year, though, we decided to skip May Long Weekend and go away in the summer instead. And while I'm looking forward to that summer trip, I think we've both made a decision regarding May Long. And that is: What the fuck were we thinking?

Don't get me wrong; as you well know, I love spending time with my kids and time away from home with them is always a bonding experience, but this one weekend a year is mine. Where I don't have to worry about kid stuff. Hell, I don't even have to act grown up at all.

But this year:

Instead of spending the day shopping and having scheduled naps, I got to drive sweaty, smelly teenagers around and sit in freezing cold arenas for a lacrosse tournament in a city that is not that familiar.

Instead of enjoying culinary treats from fancy restaurants, I got to dine in family restaurants with at least eight teenage boys and some adults whose names I still don't know.

Instead of sleeping on pillowy soft beds in a hotel known for their comfort, I got to stay in a hotel with "comfort" in the name only. The mixture of linen with, at most, 100-thread count and the bleach used to clean the linen would cause my eyes to swell and the bed made of plywood and springs would cause my back to hurt so every morning I resembled the Disney version of Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

And lastly, instead of enjoying fine wines from all over served by knowledgeable sommeliers, BFF and Honey took a $50 cab ride across the city only to end up at a (surprise!) dry wedding.

Never again!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Twin B

I don't think it's a secret that I worry about this kid. Like, a lot! He's a great kid, but he's not always as content as I think he should be. And just when I work up to a stressful, think-about-nothing-else worry about him, he proves to me time and time again that he'll be just fine.

Because this is him:

He walked home from lacrosse the other day because he had just finished football and wanted to have a shower but Twin A had to be at a game so we went straight to the arena. Twin B texts me from the road.
B: I'm trying to walk the rest of the way home whilst looking up.
Me: Like up, up or just ahead of you?
B: Like straight up.
Me: Why?
B: I feel like it.

And what do you even say to that.

I took the boys out for lunch one day last week and on our way home we drove past one of their friends. I stopped the car to see if he wanted a ride. Before I could get the window down, Twin B threw open the back door and yelled "Get in! There's no time to explain!"

He's gonna be just fine.


Monday, May 14, 2012


I don't think it's a secret that my boys are somewhat athletic. Right now is lacrosse season, so we have lacrosse almost every single day. It is also football spring camp season so we have football every single day. Sometimes, like today, they fit together nicely, football from 5-8, lacrosse at 845. And sometimes decisions have to be made.

My parents never had this problem with me. Sometimes I wonder if I could play the sports my kids do. We used to play basketball in gym. Gym was the class that I always had my period in or my friend was crying and I must go help her. Right. Now. Plus I could never figure out that whole lay-up thing: count and aim at the same time? What am I, some kind of magician?

I think I could've liked sports more but I tried out for the track team in grade 7, didn't make it, and gave up every being an athlete for fear of rejection. Now sitting at a lacrosse game, I'm pretty sure this is not something I could've ever done even if I had made the track team. I'm not very fond of people pushing me and hitting me with sticks.

Football? Football is a boy sport. Yeah, I said it. Sometimes a girl will play but I don't think it's fair. Boys have been taught their whole lives not to hit girls and even if they do tackle her, they're a lot easier on her than they would be on another boy. If there were an all-girl league then it wouldn't matter, but I probably still wouldn't watch it.

NOTE: According to my stats, there are some readers in Europe and Asia. For these readers I would like to point out that football is not soccer. Girls can totally play soccer. Which reminds me, my parents made me play soccer for a couple of years. Borrrrring. The best part was the orange slices at intermission.

I was, however, a dancer. An elephant dancer. It's not that I was clumsy or not graceful; it's just that I was so much bigger than the other girls in my class. They were all 5'2" and, at most, 100 pounds, I was 5'8" and 140. Even though I had a rather lovely shape, I looked like a school bus dancing with some hummingbirds.

I was never much of an athlete is what I'm saying. But I'm really good at being a mom of athletes. I drive them around, I cheer at their games, I volunteer for fundraising, and I know where the emergency rooms are. And I don't even covet their trophies.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

May Awesomeness

Near the beginning of the year, I made a calendar. I say near the beginning because I had meant to have it done for Christmas but actually got it done near the end of January. Which was fine because a calendar doesn't have to start at the beginning of the year so the one I made started in February.

The calendar went with the theme of awesome. Last year was a pretty shitty year so we tried to come up with something every day to combat all the bad feelings. So now, every month, I get to see some of the ideas we thought were awesome.

Having skilligence (a word Twin B made up meaning a cross between intelligence and skill)

When someone says "who" and you correct them by saying "whom" (this wasn't even one that I came up with though I will admit that it is pretty awesome).

English Accents


The smell of popcorn

Fast food (not all of us agree on all the ideas though I do enjoy a Big Mac now and then)

When you get your car fixed and the dealership washes it too

If I had to add something from today, I'd have to say that booking a trip in the summer with my BFF is pretty awesome!


Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Holy crap you guys! That was one whiney post on Friday. Boohoo, I'm tired. I'm a single mom and I have to do everything by myself and my life is soooo hard. Yeah. Sorry about that.

One of the librarians in the school I often sub in has left for another job. And while they look for someone to take over, I've found myself playing school librarian a little. It's fun, it's my very favourite place to sub, and they've asked me to stay on until the end of the year. And I appreciate that they thought of me first but I unfortunately, I can't commit to that. Hopefully, they'll take my offer to work 2 or 3 days a week, but if not I'll totally understand.

Anyway, because I'm in a school full of teenagers, I hear some funny things. The other day, for example, I listened to an entire conversation on "kids today." Meaning young children, I suppose, and how parents aren't raising them properly and what these parents should be doing differently. The conversation brought back fond memories of when I was an expert on parenting.

Today I overheard: *nostalgically* Ahhh, I remember when I was 16.

I wrote the top half of this post yesterday then got busy and never got a chance to finish it. I was writing it in the library when the young, hip, incredibly pretty teacher librarian (Hi J), sat down next to me and started reading the unfinished post. And then offered me three days a week. So guess what I'm doing until the end of the school year?!

This morning I left my comfort zone for a business networking meeting. My friend, Porkchop, had just joined this group and thought my business could benefit from meeting new people as well. And it just may. This meeting, though, was really early in the morning, so last night I checked with Porkchop to make sure we were still going.

Me: Are we still on for tomorrow morning?

Porkchop: You betcha. I'll let you know the time.

Me: Like tonight? Or you'll text me suddenly at 630am and yell: GET OUT OF BED! I'M ON MY WAY!

Porkchop: Oh [Lily Starlight], stop being soooo dramatic.

Me: That wasn't an answer Porkchop.

Porkchop: I'll pick you up at 630.

Me: Jeez. That's really early.

Porkchop: Suck it up, Princess.

Me: Fine. But don't expect my tiara to be on straight that early in the morning.

And it wasn't.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Friday Five Sleeping Problems

You guys, I am exhausted. This week's sleeping schedule has been interrupted. Here's why:

1. Lacrosse. Twin A plays this game. And when he was little, his practices and games used to be at normal practice and game times. But because they reserve those times for little people and Twin A is no longer a little person, his games and practices are now at big-boy times. On Monday night we got home at 11 and on Tuesday we were home at 1045. On Wednesday night, our game was an hour's drive away, so it was midnight before we got home.

3. Diabetes. Twin A is diabetic. He has been for almost 10 years so you'd think we'd have it all figured out by now. But every time we figure it out, something changes like he gets older or grows or he switches sports. Anyway, we have to visit the diabetic clinic every three months so they can check up on him and make some insulin changes and then they want us to vigilantly keep track. Which means that he needs to test his blood glucose at midnight and 3am every day for a week. Only, he's, like, sleeping at those times so really when they say "he needs to test" they mean I need to test. Also, if he has a low number in the night, normally he'll wake up, test, drink some juice and go back to bed. But when we're being all vigilant about it: he drinks juice, I test 15 minutes later, still low, he drinks chocolate milk, I test 15 minutes later, still low, he eats half of a peanut butter sandwich, I test 15 minutes later, within acceptable range. It's now 4am, I've been up for an hour, and my brain is awake. Dammit.

5. Football. "That's ok" I tell myself because it's almost the weekend so I can sleep in. As I mentioned earlier this week, the boys got into the school they wanted, which means that almost before the ink was dry on the registration forms, the football coaches were calling. Spring camp starts in a couple of weeks, uniform fittings were last night, fundraising starts this weekend with a bottle drive on Saturday morning and a lot cleanup on Sunday morning and oh, by the way, we need parent helpers for both.

And there you have it. Five reasons why I'm not sleeping. Perhaps by Monday I'll have fit in a few naps and be back to normal.