Monday, April 12, 2010

That Scene in 40-Year-Old Virgin

I'm going on a vacation in a couple of days. A vacation where I will spend a large part of it on the beach working on my tan. A vacation where I will be forced to throw on a bathing suit many consecutive days in a row.

I try never to wear bathing suits. And the one I would wear if I absolutely had to is boy-cut. So, it's not that I'm fond of unruly jungles, and I do maintain "that area" well enough, but the need for perfection is not that necessary. Any other time that part of my body is viewed, the person doing the viewing is not really searching for...uh...stray branches.

Regardless, on this vacation I will be wearing a bikini. Prompting the need for more than just a careless swipe with a razor. For the first time in my life, I got a bikini wax. And you know what? OW!

Me: How old are your kids?

Torture Inflictor: They are four and six. *rub, rub, rub, RIP*


TI: My son goes to [local school].

Me: That's a nice school. Well, I don't really know because that's not where my kids went, and I didn't go there either, but I know other people who went there, I mean their kids went there and they seem to like it. Well, they liked it, their kids don't go there anymore...



TI: *eyes dart around making sure there's an escape route*

Apparently, when I'm in a shitload of pain I can still have a normal conversation. A totally coherent and not at all crazy conversation. As you can see I maintained a steady voice throughout and didn't babble unintelligibly. I'm very proud.


Thursday, April 8, 2010


This blog depresses me. It's so dark and heavy all the time. It feels like I can only write about "issues" here. But the thing is: that's not who I am. In person, I'm light and funny. How come that isn't coming across here? Why am I so focused on this blog having "substance"?

Good writers have a voice. A voice that comes through in their writing. My voice is not coming through at all. This sucks.

And it's time for a change. Starting now.

So, without further ado, here are some random thoughts:

1. The other day I asked [Twin B] what he wanted to be when he grew up. He answered that he didn't know. So I asked the question in a different way: If you had to decide what you were going to be right now, what would you choose? His answer: Well, I guess I'd be a janitor because I don't really have the education to be anything else. My kid is brilliant.

2. So Jesus "died" and then we found out that he wasn't really dead, but we don't celebrate the second time that he died. I hear Jesus was kind of a big deal, so if we get a week off for his birth and four days off for his death/resurrection, then I think his second death deserves at least a long weekend.

3. I think I would be good at writing sit-coms for TV. I write them in my head almost constantly.

4. I hate my rear view mirror. It's the one that shows all the flaws. I often find myself driving down the street pulling out grey hairs rather then watching the road. It's also the one that points out which stray eyebrows need to be plucked. Yesterday it found a wrinkle. It was near my mouth. I've spent a lot of time since then pulling my cheeks back to see what I'd look like if I didn't have a wrinkle. But at least my eyebrows are good.

5. My friend is bringing over her baby this afternoon. He's pretty new. I haven't held a baby in a very long time. But the best part is that I get to stop at Chapters after work. I can't decide if I should get Sandra Boynton, Dr. Seuss, or Eric Carle. What a wonderful decision to have to make.