Friday, December 16, 2011

Old Men Five...uh...Three

As of late, I have become extremly attractive to old men. I think I can explain why. When my ex-boyfriend and I were breaking up, one of his parting shots was that there are so many women in my situation that men could just pick and choose which one they wanted and discard them at will because, obviously, single women with kids are so fucking desperate that they'll just take the first man that shows them any interest...I may be paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it. The really sad thing is that I know women like this; their facebook status updates are cringe-worthy.

Anyway, in the last month, three different old men have hit on me. So this is like a Yucky Friday Five but with only Three:

1. The first one may or may not actually have been hitting on me. We were at a function, he came and sat by me, and seemingly tried to impress me with talk of his all-star son, the company he owns, his exercise and diet regime, and his spacious home and vacation condo. Now, it's possible that he could think that this is appropriate dinner conversation, but he wasn't aiming it at any men at the table, y'know? Later in the meal, he asked me to rewrite his website. Then when I called him later in the week, he proposed getting together one evening for coffee to discuss it. Yeah, I like to conduct business during business hours, so I shot him down. He then cancelled a meeting I set up with him on Monday morning. Sure, I could be reading into that one...but I don't think so.

2. One day last month, when the boys were out of school for the week, we spent a morning renewing our passports. On the way home, we stopped at a mall in the city and ended up eating in the food court. I accidentally made eye contact with this old man who came over to tell me, "I've been looking for you all night." It was noon; I was with my kids. "You're beautiful. I love your freckles." Then he tried to tell me he had bought me some strawberries and tried to give me a bag from the grocery store. He dropped them on the floor, bent over to retrieve them, and that's when I noticed the 40-ounce bottle of rye in his inside pocket. (You gotta be pretty dedicated to carry around an entire 40. Not a flask. Not a mickey. A 40-ounce bottle.) I was finally able to get rid of him, but then he came back to say, "I'm very sorry AND I'd like to apologize." (Apparently these are two very separate things.) He was sorry to waste my time and also he told me he was out of my league.

3. When I got home, I posted on my facebook that apparently I was very attractive to old, drunk men. One of the replies I got was "and also old, sober men." That was nice, and obviously just a joke...I hope. Here's the creepy part that I found out just yesterday, though. The man who posted this on my facebook had been, just that morning, to his wife's funeral. Gah. All kinds of inappropriate.

I'd like to go on record as saying this:

  • If you are more than ten years older than me, I'm not interested.

  • If your wife just died or you are freshly divorced, I'm not interested.

  • If you are drunk, I'm not interested.

  • If you're looking for a trophy wife, I'm not interested...probably; this really depends on how much money you have.


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