Expert in Love

A friend of mine is wanting to introduce me to this guy she knows. I'm not sure why she thought I'd be a good match as we haven't really talked much in the last 20 years except for quick updates when we see each other at swimming lessons or baseball games, but regardless of the fact that she doesn't really know me as an adult at all, she wants to introduce me to her friend.

Luckily, I have spend the last few weeks watching a steady stream of chick flicks, so I feel I am now an expert in dating and love. I know how to deal with any situation that comes along.

I am prepared!

1. If I should suddenly find myself overwhelmed with my job that I get to wear cute suits and fabulous shoes to every day than I will just trade houses with a girl from England. And when I'm in England I will fall madly in love and we'll live happily ever after. I'll, obviously, be willing to give up everything I am and everything I know because he will be all I need and he won't even find me to be horribly clingy and needy while I make him my whole entire reason for being.

2. If I'm ever required to go to a family member's wedding, I will hire an escort for $6000 so that my family will know that I'm taken care of. Seriously, how could they even survive to take their next breaths if they thought for one second that I didn't have a man to take care of me. Without question, I will fall for this man and we will live happily ever after. Especially when we get back home and he quits his job and has to live off me, because really what else is he going to do and it's not like his resume is really something that employers are thrilled to see, what with the prostitution thing and all.

3. If I find myself in Vegas freshly single and somewhat unhappy about it, I will find myself a charming yet immature man and marry him. Then, when he wins three million dollars I will try to take half because, obviously, I deserve at least that much for being his wife for the last 12 hours. The judge will no doubt make us live together for six months and see a marriage counsellor, because judges have a lot of time on their hands and care about every single person that comes through their courtroom. Don't worry, I will fall in love with my husband even though he lives in a hovel, has just been fired from his job at his family's business, and has made no effort to grow up and be responsible in any way (don't forget the 3 mil that I'm sure he will invest wisely).

4. If I find myself in the position of having a best friend that is a total playboy and treats women like crap, I will go away oversees, meet a member of royalty, fall for him and agree to marry him. Then when my best friend decides that, actually, he is also in love with me, I will ditch the Duke (even though he is the PERFECT man) and fall in love with the playboy who's proven without a doubt in the last four days that he can treat women with respect. We will live happily ever after.

5. And finally, if ever I do meet my perfect mate, a man I took my time getting to know and falling in love with and we decide to get married, I will let my mother talk us into hiring a crazy-ass priest to give us marriage lessons because priests are experts in marriage. And when the priest makes me drive blindfolded with only my beloved to guide me with his gentle words I won't question it for a second. But when my fiance does question the priest's methods I will become irrationally angry and cancel the wedding. Sure, eventually we'll live happily ever after, but there'll always be that trust issue...thankfully, not being Catholic, I hardly ever meet crazy-ass priests so it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Bring it on Friend-that-I-haven't-seen-much-of-in-the-last-20-years. I'm ready!

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