Gus

Day 25: a picture of your day.

I don't yet have a real picture of what will become the most important part of my day, but I assure you, in time, I will have MANY!
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I became an aunt yesterday. My big brother finally got around to having a kid. He was born yesterday morning, he weighs 8lbs 4ozs, and I can't wait to see him. They haven't named him yet, so I've started calling him Gus. Probably that's not what his name will be for real though.
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I saw the mama yesterday. She's doing well. There was a small problem with Gus (which was well known ahead of time so none of us were shocked). He needed surgery soon after he was born, but the thing is, the hospital where high-risk pregnancies are taken care of and the childrens' hospital are in two different locations. So, my sister-in-law had the baby, and they rushed him into an ambulance and across town for surgery, leaving mama at the birthing hospital.
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My point? I haven't seen the baby yet. But today is the day I meet my nephew, and though I won't be able to hold him, I will be able to take pictures and coo at him and tell him how happy I am that he's in my life. I can't wait!

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More Whining

Day 24: a picture of something you wish you could change.

Things I wish I could change are different on a daily basis. There are days when I wouldn't change a thing. When life is pretty awesome, and even though it would be nice to have more money, a healthy relationship with a wonderful man, and a kick-ass body, I still feel content and happy. Other days I wish I could change everything: today is one of those days.

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One Day at a Time

Alcoholics Anonymous uses the slogan "one day at a time." Any alcoholic will tell you it means that they can't plan to be sober for the rest of their lives, but they can plan to be sober today. And so they try every day to wake up, and just for that very day, they plan to be sober.
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I think the slogan has a different meaning. Well, not a different meaning so much as a different audience. I think the slogan was meant for those whose lives are affected by alcoholics. I think it means that you should not plan ahead, because quite likely, the drunk in your life is going to fuck up those plans.
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I met my ex-husband when I was 19 and he was 22. Actually, that's not totally true; I met him when I was in grade 2. My dad used to take the bus home from work and because he worked shift work, sometimes his walk home from the bus stop coincided with my walk home from school. There I was happily chatting away with my dad when suddenly he took off at a full run. I looked ahead to see my dad pull some blond boy off my brother. They were fighting, and though that should have been all the warning I needed, I married him anyway...only, like, a long time after that.
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X had had some problems with drugs and alcohol in the past, but had sobered up when he was 19. Just when the rest of us were really starting to get into drinking, he sobered up. That would take an impressive amount of willpower to watch your friends drink almost constantly while you stayed sober. But he did it, and he was happy, and he married the girl of his dreams, and he had two little boys, and a home, and the whole American dream.
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And then 13 years after he sobered up, he stopped choosing to be sober. And he drank and shot cocaine into his arm, and did all the hard drugs that people die from. And months later, when my naivety was destroyed and I stopped believing that that smell was mouthwash and that the reason he was home late was because they asked him to stay late at work and that all of the elaborate stories were true, I kicked him out. And it took over four years for him to choose to be sober again.
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And the two little boys didn't understand where there dad was, only that he didn't come around much. And that was ok, because he was so much fun when he was around and there was not doubt, from anyone even remotely close to any of them, that he loved those boys.
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In that last six and a half years, since he sobered up, the boys have gotten to know their dad a little better. And they still have so much fun with him. And he still loves them so much. And they've started to stay overnight at his house; he even has bedrooms there that are just for them. And we have all become really comfortable with the arrangements. And in the last year or so, I've even started saying nice things about him. I think I finally forgave him for fucking up our lives.
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About a month ago, he started choosing not to be sober again...
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But this time, those boys are not so easily placated with stories of how much their dad loves them. This time they're old enough to understand what's happening to their dad. They're old enough to understand that their parent, who claims to love them, has chosen drugs and alcohol over them. And it hurts them. And I'm helpless to make that hurt go away. I'm absolutely powerless to change the situation for them and my heart is so shattered because of their hurt that I'm barely keeping it together.

I want to be positive and say that one day at a time we'll get through this. One day at a time this will become easier for them. One day at a time they'll forget to be angry at him. I want to be positive, but right now I'm having just a little trouble doing that.

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Bel Canto

Day 23: a picture of your favorite book.

It's no secret that I love books. I love the weight of them; I like to run my hand over the cover before I even open them to feel the texture; I read who published them and in what year and if the copyright is owned by the author or the publisher. I love books, so the fact that this book is my favourite says a lot.

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It takes place in South America. There is a large dinner party with executives and political figures from throughout the world and an American opera singer hired to entertain. Terrorists break in and hold all the dignitaries hostage for long enough that strangers bond and some even fall in love. It's a beautiful story, written by a talented author and if you haven't read it, you should.

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There must be a drug for this...

Day 22: a picture of something you wish you were better at.

I wish I was better at promoting myself. I wish I was better at going out and getting what I want. I watch other people achieve their dreams while I sit at home, too scared to meet new people, too afraid to pursue new opportunities.

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Conundrum

Day 21: a picture of something you wish you could forget.

Here's a ironic problem. Anything I wish I could forget is not something I would ever talk about here...or anywhere. There are a couple of things that have happened in my life, but you will never hear about them because they are things I wish I could forget and therefore I never bring them up.

EVER.

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One of many

Day 20: a picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

This is Greece. I used to work for a man named Nick (or Nico, as his father called him). He left Greece when he was 18 and had been in Canada for almost 50 years. He had so many stories about what life was like when he was a kid. His family used to live in a palace. And then there was a war and the Nazis took over the palace. And they wanted him, but he refused to be one of them so his family had to hide him. One time he lived under his neighbours floor and another time he lived in a tree for three days while some Nazis lounged under it. He strapped himself to the branch with his belt so he wouldn't fall when he was asleep and when he had to pee, he'd press his penis into his clothing so it wouldn't drip on their heads.

Some of the schools in the area would bring their grade six students to Nico's for a field trip. Grade sixes study Greek mythology. He'd teach them about Greece and it's heritage, cook a huge Greek meal, and then we'd dance: out the front door, around the building, in the back door and through the kitchen. And we'd break plates and yell "Opa."

I started working at Nico's when I suddenly didn't have a husband. I went in there one evening with a date and another couple. We were drinking and having a fantastic time. The waitress (who was also Nick's wife, Sylvia) started chatting with us, and though I can't remember the conversation at all, I do remember her saying, "Can you start Tuesday?" No resume, no interview. I started on Tuesday.

I worked there for a few years and loved every second of it. It was the one time in my life that I actually couldn't wait to go to work, where I woke up thinking "I get to go to work today" instead of "have to." Fiery Greek temper tried to yell at me once; I hugged him and he never yelled again. Though he did fire me every single day.

Sylvia had been diagnosed with cancer before I even got there. She eventually died and Nick, brokenhearted, moved back to Greece for the first time in 47 years. I miss him and hope that when I get the chance to go to Greece, and possibly see him again, I won't be too late.

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So done with this

Day 19: a picture and a letter.

Dear Winter,

Quit it.

Yours truly,

[Lily Starlight]

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GO TO YOUR ROOM

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Day 18: a picture of your biggest insecurity.

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I'm afraid that I'll have turned out to be a bad mom. There's no way to tell until the children are grown, right? You just have to hope you're doing it right. But what if I'm not? What if they turn out to be horrible human beings and it's my fault because I yelled or didn't play with them enough or protected them from things they may not have needed protection from?

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I'm doing what I can; I hope it's enough.

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Holibobs

I used to work with a British man and he always said "holibobs" instead of "holidays." It's cute, isn't it?
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I'm taking a break (no, really) before day 18 of 30 because I've just come off holibobs and I want to talk about it. No, I didn't go anywhere. Actually, I feel that I've spent almost two weeks doing nothing but sitting on my couch, watching TV. But, honestly, I did other stuff. Like:
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1. I went shopping. I spent almost every day at the mall for what seemed like a week straight. First there was last minute items for Christmas, then boxing day shopping, then I had to take Twin B to spend all his gift cards (some were even from last year! Gift cards are for spending. Geez, who's child is that?), but then I was able to crawl back onto my couch for a couple days to recuperate.
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2. I knit stuff. I knit some mittens, a few toques...actually that's pretty much it. But it seemed like a lot at the time.
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3. I exercised. I went to yoga exactly once and it was a yin class which means that you hold one pose for 4-5 minutes. Still, it's something, right?
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4. I went for lunch. I love lunch. It's my favourite meal. Before Christmas I went for lunch every single day for almost two weeks straight.
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5. Did I mention we got a couple seasons of Grey's Anatomy, all of Big Bang Theory, all of The Office, and all of Desperate Housewives? Because, seriously, how could I not spend my entire break watching TV?
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Oh, also, I met a boy. A boy that is going to call tonight. A boy that keeps me from being able to concentrate on anything else. A boy that might possibly meet all the criteria. It's, obviously, too soon to tell, but I'm hopeful.


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